Bringing Home Flowers

The man coming toward me with flowers in hand was a sad sight. One look at the sad sack look on his face I knew immediately where he was headed. I’ve been there a number of times and my heart reached out for him.

As he  was close enough to hear me I said, “doghouse?”

“You don’t know the half of it” was his reply.

“Good luck buddy”  I said patting his back as he passed me.

What more could be said. What is it with us men thinking that bringing home flowers when you have already been caught out and the judge is about rule on your sentence.

Men can be very understanding and compassionate when seeing another with flowers. The comments are short but sincere.

“Good luck pal”

“Chin up”

“I feel ya brother”

“Been there done that”

“You’ll be ok buddy”

But what we are really thinking is:

“Poor bastard””

“I’m glad I’m not in your shoes”

“All the flowers in the world won’t help you now my friend”

And that last comment is the truth. By the time a man is about to be banished to the dog house is not the time to bring home flowers unless you are hoping she will beat you with them instead of a frying pan.

OK, I’ll admit, men are not the sharpest tools in the shed. We don’t have a clue how the female mind thinks. What makes it worse for all mankind is that we actually think that flowers will bring us some sort of peace-offering.

Yes its OK to bring home flowers on birthdays, mothers day, valentines day  and all holidays that are flowers appropriate.

And don’t fall into the trap of bringing home flowers when you blew it and you think she doesn’t know. If she didn’t she will. It’s a classic Men Are Stupid: 101 mistake.

For God’s sake don’t even think of bringing home flowers on a whim thinking it will be a nice gesture because you  love and appreciate her so much.

If you have been together for quite some time and it has not been in your DNA to bring home flowers just for the sake of a sincere loving gesture you could be in for a long night of interrogation. And giving good odds I will say that you will confess to something before dinner is even on the table regardless if you are guilty or not.

The only time it is safe to bring flowers home outside above mentioned days sanctioned by the women’s  international handbook is when she calls you to pick some up  on the way home from work.

When that happens be sure never to query the request. Just do it and take it as a warning that you are about to be blind sided. Go through everything in your life that you think could cause the dog to move from his house to yours and visa versa.

You many have to use your internal hard drive and go back as far as middle school to see if there is any buried  indiscretion that could have caused the unsuspecting phone call to bring home flowers.

Take nothing for granted. We are talking about your overall well-being here.

So you may be thinking that bringing home flowers is a no win situation.

Not necessarily but what I am trying to convey is this. Make sure you have all your bases covered and you think things through before bringing home flowers that could open a can of worms you will undoubtedly be sorry for, perhaps for the rest of your life.

Now I will let you in on a little secret of what works for me. But before I do and you decide to use this technique I need to let you know that if it doesn’t work and you find yourself in hot water I will not be held liable for your stupidity in the first place.

Here goes. I  phone her and say I was buying milk and next door was a florist. Would she like me to bring her some home.

I am already prepared for the silence at the other end of the line envisioning the suspicion going through her head.

To end the deafening silence I say that there are some nice roses ( or whatever you believe to be her favorite flowers) on sale that look in very good condition. Then give her the sale price mentioning that they were brought down to the savings of so and so. (of course your are paying full price)

My wife loves a saving so this has a nice ring to it. Then I  tell her I have the flowers in hand and I am waiting in line but if she would prefer something else just mention it.

Now if she replies right away with a “now that is really sweet”, then mission accomplished. If there is still silence then hang up and eat out that night and possibly book into a hotel. It will be safer than what awaits you at home.

If you are creative you never have to use the same scenario more than once. But don’t push it. It could be wiser to leave the buying of flowers to the sanctioned days already mentioned.

I think the men of the world need a special day set aside like an international bring home flowers day, no questions asked.

Or we could use our Father’s Day as a get out of jail free confession day card if accompanied by flowers.

Until then its every man for himself.


2 thoughts on “Bringing Home Flowers

  1. Nice thoughts Sammy. Mrs GOF accepts that I am not a ‘flowers’ person, but I’m sure she would appreciate it if I was. Better not start after all these years or she’ll think I’m guilty of something. 🙂

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